One of the most important skills we can develop towards loving relationships with healthy boundaries is conflict management and resolution. How can we best manage conflict to promote more loving relationships with strong boundaries?
Voice
Volume control: Yelling, shouting, or shrieking immediately switches off the mature part of the brain.
Talking really fast: The person can’t keep up with you. Slow down, and ask them to slow down if needed.
Tone of voice: People will respond to tone of voice as much as the words we’re saying. A diplomatic sentence in an aggressive or impatient tone of voice may lead to heightened conflict.
Pitch: People have physiological stress responses to high pitched sounds. When we are stressed, our vocal cords become tighter and our voices get higher. This can lead the people on the other side of us to disengage, become overwhelmed, or respond with irritation or aggression (and vice versa).
Language
Using blaming or accusatory language puts people on the defensive right away. Try to choose language that is not accusatory.
Using words like “always” and “never” does not help. “You ALWAYS do this, you NEVER do this,” etc, is inflammatory and dualistic. Sees the person in black and white instead of allowing nuance.
Connect their actions to your feelings. Use “I” statements. “I feel like this when you do that,” as opposed to, “You make me feel like this.”
Look for common ground. Start from a point of agreement and refer back to that as much as you can.
Ask questions, for example, “Why did you do this” or “Why do you feel like that?” and being genuinely curious about the answers.
Use your listening skills! Wait for the other person to finish speaking and try to genuinely hear what they are saying and incorporate it into your case. Be prepared to shift what you say next in response to what they’ve said.
Other
Consider your environment: Is it appropriate for the conversation? Is it private? Does it put one of you off balance? (for example, if you’re arguing in their or your “territory”)
Allow time and space for them to process what you’ve said; allow space and time for YOU to process what THEY’VE said. We usually need time away from the “battlefield” to absorb the other person and enter into their perspective.
Acknowledge and own your part of any fight; put your hands up fast. it’s like a shortcut to the end of the conflict.
Let go of small things; pick your battles wisely. Ask yourself if it is something you can let go of, or something you need to dig in on.
Ask yourself, “What is the best way for me to get what I want here?” This leads to the question, what DO you want? Do you want harmony in the relationship? Or do you want to “win”? (One winner means two losers). Bring self-awareness to the table.
Remember, the ultimate goal in the relationship is love and harmony in the relationship, so keep that always at the forefront. You and the person on the other end of your conflict should be a team, working to solve a problem; the enemy is the problem, not the other person. This mentality can drastically change the style and outcomes of a conflict.
Remember that conflict is necessary and can be constructive; it should be leading to growth. A relationship with NO conflict is probably a relationship with little progression or authenticity.
If a conflict is escalating too quickly or following a trajectory you know will not be fruitful, remove yourself from the situation as fast as possible and express that you can revisit the topic when it feels calmer and will be more productive.
Remember that where conflict becomes unconstructive and hurtful, we can practice a) apologizing and b) offering forgiveness. Apologizing is mature and releases you from the tension of the conflict, regardless of how it is received.
The saying “never let the sun set on your anger”; There is a lot of wisdom in this, but sometimes you need to let the sun set and allow a topic to be resolved over days or weeks, or even months. Try to find harmony within disagreement.
Develop REALLY GOOD emotional regulation skills! This will help you in the moment to keep things level.
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